About three years ago I had a crushing realization. Up to that point, I had been harboring the expectation that someday this would all get easier — that I'd wake up one morning and feel complete and that whatever lifelong issues I had been carrying with me would be dealt with, laid to rest, at peace. I'd be done.

Ha.

(I think sometimes the universe laughs at us.)

It was a huge blow. At first I was totally crushed, and THEN I got angry. How DARE I sign up for this stupid painful life adventure, KNOWING that this would happen and that I would.never.be.done?  What had I gotten myself into?

Of course I see the humor in this now.  Most days.

But it's an interesting thing ... to realize that this dance is never over — that there's always more or another layer or a slightly different perspective — can be hugely empowering. "You mean we're never DONE? We get endless do-overs?"  That's exactly what I mean.  Knowing that whatever issue you THINK you just laid to rest is going to come back and bite you in the you-know-what sometime later just lets you bring out the playful aspect the next time, or at least lets you open the door to it.  And any time you can start thinking of life as PLAY instead of as WORK, it opens the way to new insights, and of course, to more joy.

We really are here to learn through joy.

It's a lot like the Buddhist concept of annica, or impermanence.  In other words, everything changes.  You can look at this several different ways.  When I am feeling totally immersed in pain, I remember annica, everything changes, and I know the pain will dissipate.  Eventually.  When I am feeling an old issue coming on, I remember annica, everything changes, and I know the issue will look and feel different this time, because I am not the same person as I was the last time, not exactly the same, and that my perceptions have changed ever so slightly and so this will be a different experience.  That realization allows me to be more open to possibilities rather than fearing what will come.

(Buddhism also teaches us to remember annica when we are feeling joy or pleasure, so that we do not develop cravings for that pleasure by remaining attached to the feeling, but I have trouble with this one ... I LIKE pleasure ...)

Revisiting the concept that 'we are never done' allows you to start to consider the question, 'where am I going?' which to my mind is a far more interesting question to consider than 'when will I be done?'  Thinking about where you are going from here invites to you think about where 'here' actually is.  And it also invites you to look more deeply into who you are. Which in turn helps you forget to focus on where you are going, but instead to enjoy simply being where you are.

As they say, it's not the destination; it's the journey.  And the journey of being 'never done' truly can be a joyful one.  After all, if you were ever done, would you still be 'here'?

Once there was a cat in a small village near some mountains.  It was a traditional village in every sense of the word: things happened there much as they had happened for hundreds of years.  There was a baker, a butcher, a priest, and many farmers who came to town periodically.

This cat, however, was not traditional.  Not that he thought of himself as such.  He simply did whatever he wanted.  And he wanted to do things differently.

Every afternoon, he would wander through the village square, and every time he did so, he did something new.  He didn't do these new things for any other reason other than it felt natural to him.  One time he simply stopped in the center of the street and took a bath while he knew everyone was watching.  One time he playfully attached himself to the mayor and would not let go until he received enough petting.  Many times he simply walked differently, with a bounce in his step.  He stopped at odd times.  He wasn't upset or even concerned with other's reactions.

At first, the villagers thought there was something wrong with the cat.  It was a small enough village that everyone knew each other, so at night they would discuss what could be going on with this cat that did not act like a traditional cat.

After some months, however, they began to realize that the cat was truly enjoying himself.  It was all done out of play.  And so they began to enjoy themselves while watching the cat.  Instead of discussing what was wrong with the cat every evening, when they got together they laughed at the antics of the cat.  The butcher left out choice meats for the cat, which of course the cat thought was natural.  He continued to do things differently, but not out of any desire for reward.  He simply did what he wanted in every moment.  He acted as was natural for him without restraint.

After a year or so, the villagers had gotten used to seeing something new every day from the cat.  They saw how much joy he had.  So one or two tried to do things differently as well.  It wasn't every day at first, and they didn't even realize they were doing it.  Some walked differently and stopped to look at odd things.  Some playfully started strange conversations with other villagers, so as to get to know them better.  The baker experimented with new treats.  The butcher tried selling marinated meats that he had dreamed of.  The priest started telling odd stories in his sermons . They didn't think about it much, but instead did it out of a new, burgeoning curiosity.

This created, in turn, new talks about how these people were destroying tradition.  It created some fear.  But after another few months, they realized that there was more fun in the village.  There was more honest joy about seeing each other, as there could now always be something new to experience.

The cat of course noticed this, but didn't get affected at all.  It simply continued to do things differently and enjoyed himself all the while.

After a few more years, some passing university students noticed that the atmosphere in this village was different.  While at the local tavern, there wasn't a dismissal of their ideas - there was curiosity.  There wasn't necessarily mutual understanding, but there was enough true communication that the students felt enlivened.  They had heard new ideas, and afterwards they felt more ideas coming to them.  They parted the village with a sense of newness in them.

In a year or two more, one of these students had inherited his father's fortune and decided to create a new home near the village.  This person was a scientist and wanted to run experiments to expand his knowledge in a place where he felt at home.  New inventions were created which caught the ear of others, and soon more people of a similar disposition had homes near this village which had expanded to a town by now.

In time, this now-town became what intellectuals called "enlightened".  It became a center of learning and the arts.

The cat continued to do what he wanted.  And had a wonderful, joyous life.

To start with something a little out of character for this site, here's the lyrics of The Offspring, from "She's got Issues".

I'm seeing this girl and she just might be out of her mind
Well she's got baggage and it's all the emotional kind
She talks about closure and that validation bit
I don't mean to be insensitive, but I really hate that shit

Issues as a Badge of Shame

If you are interested in personal growth, you likely have "issues".  Hell, if you're in a body and breathing, you have issues.

Over the last 40 years, pop psychology has increased so that the term has reached archetypal levels.  There are of course different sides to the term, but in this blog I'll be focusing on the dark underside of it:  that someone having "issues" means they are mentally diseased, will have failures in relationship, and should have enough sessions with a shrink until it's "dealt with" and other people don't have to suffer. In short, having issues means you're blacklisted. It's a modern Mark of Cain. It's something to be ashamed of.

Original Purpose

The awareness of issues was really brought on to help, not to hurt.  You must have some awareness of something before you can consciously change it.  There were issues before pop psychology, but people were the way they were and perhaps you just accepted things without an urge to change.  There's more awareness that change is possible, so people wanted to know what could change and what was causing the problem.  So the concept of issues was really invented out of a care of others.

The problem is that shame never helps with change.   I repeat:  Shame never helps with change.   You could go into the most amazing, self-healing course on the planet, but if you're doing it out of shame then you'll be trying to get rid of parts of yourself.  Which is, of course, part of a self-destructive course.  The only thing - the only thing - which promotes deep, lasting, and positive change is a path of acceptance for yourself, and of realizing the vast possibilities of choice you have available.  Shame closes this awareness down; acceptance opens it.

Why is "issue" so laced with shame?  Because there's frustration.  People want to change.  People want to be successful.  People want to change their personality to have successful characteristics.  Since Dale Carnegie there's been no shortage of labelling of these.  Most positive thinking blogs regularly present a list of characteristics to have.  Think positive!  Smile at people!  Be sincere!  Be assertive and confident!  And above all, deal with your issues that stop you from doing that.

But if there's no compassion for the protective choices you've made, then you're just going to be frustrated.  And have shame.

A Different Look at Issues

So instead of looking at "issues" as a negative thing, what's good is a reframing of sorts.  (This is like the channeled concept of the chief feature, a structure built around fear and protection that is like an Achilles Heel)

Instead of looking at an issue as being a "problem", look on it as a perception that needs to be questioned.

Because that's all it is.  It's a perception that can be changed.  The past can't be changed in a physical manner, but your perception of it can always be changed. Perception is where the power is.  When it's seen as nothing more than a perception that you have the power to alter,you have reached into possibilities that bring true empowerment.

Issues aren't this big, unforgivable black morass of swamp.  It's simply a disconnection from you.  From your full perception.  It's nothing to feel guilty about.  And certainly nothing that requires you to retreat into the well-funded arms of a psychologist's chair.

From the Polaris quote page,

There is no magic to this. There's no magical door that needs a magical key that needs a magical unlocking. There's nothing more than what Already Is and what you already experience. The only thing that can change - the only thing that can change - is how you perceive it.

This could be a lot more, so please leave comments if you have any thoughts.

... but in ending, if you need one more shift in perception, think of it this way:

Without issues, how would we laugh at sitcoms?