I recently had a bit of an epiphany lately concerning my own family.   I feel hatred my brother. I hate him.

There, I said it.  Here we are this "New Age" atmosphere, and I sometimes speak like a teacher - so how awful I am for saying that!

There are reasons, of course - not that this needs to be said.  I can simply acknowledge the feeling and let it be there.   But there are reasons.    According to technical, psychological definitions, he could be considered a psychopath.  He is autistic, has essentially no emotions or remorse, doesn't like anything in the social sphere, and quite enjoys provoking intense reactions in others - and painful ones are the most intense ones there are.   He does this in himself too - he's masochistic.   The autism and avoidance of social interaction puts a big restraint on this, but's there and my body remembers.  For years I put nice-sounding labels, tried to reach forgiveness and give allowances for him being who he is, who is of course perfect just as he is.   I tried to put away the years of his behavior towards me.  But of course I just suppressed my own reactions and was greatly affected duuring the rare times I was in the same room with him. 

But really, it feels better acknowledging that hate.  It's not like hate is the opposite, absence of love, etc.  Far from it!  In a very real way, I acknowledge the connection with him more when I let this feeling simply be there.

I suppose that's my response.  It brings to mind a quote I remember:

You can only accept something to the degree you have given yourself permission to not accept it.

I am also discovering that energetically, I find it easier to be around people when my energy is bigger - whatever that energy is, including anger or hate.    By bigger I mean the more "me" I am, irrespective of how other people are.  And seemingly paradoxically, when I feel bigger, even if it is with something I have judgements on like hate, I feel more appreciation for others.   I feel more compassion.  After all, how can I truly feel compassion for another's anger when I don't allow it in myself.

I've never fit in, you see.  Being expressive and dramatic always caused ripples and occassionally negative reactions, especially when I brought up things that others didn't want to look at.  But at the same time, the more I'm fine with what I am - including dislike or hatred - the less often others react that way.  Just Friday I had a friend over who heard me say that - "I hate my brother" - and she broke into laughter of appreciation.  I wasn't venting; I was truly comfortable with it.  I wasn't asking her to buy in and hate my brother too.   I simply expressed where I was.  It felt like a breath of fresh air to her and gave her permission to acknowledge all the similar things inside her.

To me, this was an example of how just being one's self - with absolutely everything included and no exceptions - can be such a gift to the rest of the world.

TrackBack URI for this entry

Comments (2)

Subscribe to this comment's feed

Anger
written by Reggie Greene / The Logistician, February 02, 2009

Interesting approach. I've always considered anger to be an unproductive emotion. Not the way I choose to spend my time. If I find myself approaching that zone, I immediately ask myself why should I be distracted in this manner. Everyone has to deal with it in the manner in which they deem best.

anger
written by Matthew, February 02, 2009

Thank you for the comment. Certainly anger can get in the way of some goals, especially as most people hate it.

I suppose I look at things in the long view. We can't shut away emotions. We can temporarily, and then deal with consequences. So choosing to not spending your time on anger if it is actually there is really the same as avoiding it. Of course, dwelling on it is a different matter. But really what I'm speaking of is being present with what is truly there, even if it isn't "nice".

Name

Email

Website

Title

Comment

smaller | bigger

Subscribe via email (Registered users only)

Add Comment