I follow other blogs avidly, which can be wonderful for connecting with people, learning, and inspiring myself with new thoughts.  One blog I read regularly is Two Crows' All That Is aka The Turtle's Back blog, in which she thinks wonderfully on the fly about both Michael and Seth concepts. (sorry I didn't do that meme there Two Crows!).  Another I've recently gotten onto is the Jungle of Life blog, which had a recent post on the pervasiveness of sexual harassment and had a lot of wonderful comments - a couple of which are mine.

(If you have a blog that is in any way related to the topics covered here, please suggest your blog or site here for our blog/site roll!)

So I thought I'd continue on with thoughts that came from that - about compassion in the face of violence.  When another is harsh.

I've written before about the problem of punishment.  Punishment and scapegoating are intertwined.  Not only that, but every time we cannot accept behavior and energy in another we are giving a very firm message to ourselves that we will not accept it in ourselves.  There's no way we can love that part of ourselves.  The standard thought in this society is that this is a good thing.  Why should we accept energy that's "bad", like anger, acting out, and violence?

It brings to mind one of my favorite stories about a Buddhist monk who was part of an experiment where scientists monitored his brain waves.

The monk was an elder monk, complete with saffron robes, who had spent much of his life in meditation and sending Metta to others.  He was selected because he seemed to epitomize the manifestation of peace and acceptance.

The scientists, upon hooking up electrodes to his brains to monitor basic brain activities, then showed him videos of the most base aspects of mankind:  violence in its extreme, rape, mobs gone wild, and deaths of hundreds of people in concentration camps.  The videos continued for hours.  He had been told that part of the experiment was that he must continue watching the videos until it ended.

As time past, the scientists did not notice any disturbances in the monk.  His muscles were relaxed.  He continued to have a beatific expression in his calm face.  His brain activity showed no extra adrenaline or reptilian brain response.  He was as peaceful as he had been when the instruments were first connected.  This was completely different than the other subjects of the experiment, who were greatly disturbed and showed a "fight or flight" response.

Puzzled, they asked him about his experience and how he could remain calm through all those horrible videos.  He responded:

"I can welcome these images and be at peace with those impulses in others because I also have them in myself - and I have acceptance for them in myself".

To me, this is the essence of compassion.  And experience has shown how powerful it is in creating a ripple of transformation in the world.

Dehumanization

One of the main obstacles to compassion for me is what I call dehumanization.  Labelling.  This is where, if I am honest, I don't see the other person as a human being.  They're a jerk or an abuser.  They are hurtful and seemingly don't have emotions themselves.  If I am honest with myself, I don't see them even as human.  They're simply an enemy.

This is where all-or-nothing thinking resides, and getting that reptilian brain firing up adrenaline brings us here very quickly.

(Does anyone notice how the Internet encourages this?  We only see text or 2 minute video segments.  We fill in the rest.)

If you live in this culture and we're not an enlightened monk, you also there.  Listen to any political discussions?  It's so common place we don't think of it anymore.  It's just politics.  Someone did something wrong?  Of course they should be punished.  They're now a "criminal", which in modern usage effectively means not a human being.  Even someone innocently screwing up in their job creates this.

Polaris once said that we can think of who tend to think of as fully human in concentric circles around us.  Immediately surrounding us are our family and dear friends.  These we see more clearly and know that even when they act out in pain, they are human beings.  Following that are our immediate community, city, country, culture, and finally the world.  We tend to think more abstractly about each successive layer and the "humanness" of those people for us may be only theoretical.

Like an example?  Think of an Iraqi being killed by a roadside bomb.  Most of us simply don't care.  They don't matter.  On the other hand, if someone in our city was killed by a bomb, it would cause a wrench in our gut.  This is related to our perception of those people as a full human being - a person intricately connected to us.  Seeing humanness also means seeing the fundamental resonant connection we have - and yes, this exists between all life on the planet.

Dehumanization is something that affects so many levels of our society – from the military, to workplace, to conflicts, to politics, to relationships, to just about everything. We’re one of the most isolated societies in human history from an emotional standpoint. Because of this, men especially are so reluctant to even acknowledge any pain inside - which creates buildups of energy and later explosions that form the basis of violence. And when it’s not acknowledged and there’s nowhere to talk about it (and I don’t think the typical psychotherapist's office is that great a place to talk about it), it will act out.

This isn't saying that it's better to be hippie granola be-nice-to-everyone pushovers.  I'm just saying we create more community and more joy when we see the beautiful humanness in everyone we encounter - especially when there is pain, mistakes, or harsh abuse.  It helps us as much as it helps the world at large.   Nor does this mean that anger should be suppressed.   I can't say how much I like that “this is not right!” feeling when something absolutely isn’t.  I love seeing it shouted loudly in a way that cannot be ignored.  Violence is not OK and never will be.

At the same time, from looking deeply into others, I feel compassion for the pain that creates the acting out. And I think it’s that compassion that is a source of healing for the world.

Bringing Compassion into Pain

Compassion is more than just imagining some great white ball of loving light and sending it outward.  (I'm not discounting that, as Polaris gives that exercise sometimes!  This is the practice of  Metta)   It's simply that the compassion that communicates is directly related to our perception of the person we give compassion to.  When we see another with humanness, both sides will tend to be more open to different possibilities.

So in a conflict or abusive situation, what to do?

I try to be practical with this.  If I pick sides (do I believe the 'abuser' or the 'victim'?) it just riles me up and energy usually doesn't end up moving.  I sometimes acknowledge the hurt there - which is very important - but the tendency is to get stuck there.  So I remind myself to think solely in terms of what will bring healing.  What helps. It doesn't matter who's right or wrong once we get past that kind of thinking.  Often the main underlying issue here is the dehumanization, and this is what we can all work on.

Everyone – absolutely everyone – has the capability of lashing out when in pain. Acknowledging that - and welcoming pain we all posses, personally and culturally - leads to us all finding more appropriate ways of living with any pain in a moment instead of expressing it abusively or explosively.  Having compassion for this acting out simply opens possibilities.

When we don’t see others as human beings, with vulnerabilities, pain, and issues of their own, we lock ourselves into destructive conflicts. We make others wrong and abuse them. We can put predators in prison – and for some this may be the right thing to do when they have little chance of change – but that still doesn’t really change the underlying psyche that created the issue in the first place.  A psyche that we all have in common. There's nothing fundamentally different about someone who does violence - we all have the same anger.  The only difference is degree and association.  This is what the monk saw in every moment.

The whole topic of “forgiveness” after a painful circumstance like a fight or a violation of some kind is not about making the action OK – which it will never be – but seeing the other person as human too.  A beautiful human.  With whatever is there.

This, of course, is essentially the same as seeing ourselves as beautiful.  As we are.  With whatever is there.

As we discover who we are in the greater sense - that complete, unlimited essence that we can call Self - we see in every moment directly that whoever we meet is simply an expression of ourselves.   If we meet a street thug in an alley, we see ourselves.  If we meet Gandhi reborn, this too is ourselves.  To me, this is the essence of compassion.

I'm still working with my feelings, you know?  I'm still on this process.  I don't think it will ever end.

Seeing my pain and sensitivity as beautiful as they are.  I'm re-listening to Sedona method tapes — they're wonderful for this.   Seeing beauty inside myself and others more and more (even when I'm so spaced out from my illness I can't express myself clearly) means I'm on the right path.

I was watching a movie last night - Love in the Time of Cholera.  It was based on a wonderful book which Karen read.  It was a movie with a fatal flaw - the script was wonderful but the main character was abysmally miscast.  I found myself getting very angry at this.  And then I found myself enjoying getting angry.  I found my anger beautiful.  I cared about the movie, the art, and the passions that were attempting to be expressed.  This was beautiful to me, even though it expressed as anger and disappointment.  And so it felt good — and didn't last.

Beauty is itself an expression of compassion.  If something is beautiful, you're seeing it clearly.

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been there, done that
written by twocrows, July 19, 2009

unfortunately.
I live in a very homogenous retirement community these days. and I miss the diversity of my former neighborhood.

I've heard 2 people make overtly racist comments. when that happened, I found myself involuntarily turning my head away. I've read that apes do the same thing when they're offended. that's pretty deep-seated.

I know I am racist, too -- try as I might to root it out. your post helps me see the way out of the maze is to accept that part of myself. I expect it won't be easy.

one thing that has helped me, so far, is to let myself know that, most likely, I'm older than the people who made those comments are. that means I have more responsibility to work at acceptance [my goal this time around] and acknowledge that I've 'been there, done that' myself. so, who am I to judge?

still, somehow it's easier to accept that I've DONE that than that I'm DOING that.

racism
written by Matthew , July 19, 2009

Here in Vancouver it's hard to find overt racists. But there's awareness of racial trends, and a little tension from the high number of immigrants that don't want to speak english and don't want to integrate at all.

I suppose now first I'd try to be fine with it within myself. Really fine, allow that energy to truly be welcome inside me. Not that I'm great with it, but once it's truly welcome inside me, others tend to listen more. Quite likely everyone in this day and age who has thoughts that tend in the racist direction has heard that they do it a number of times and so have defenses already drawn up. :-)

hmmmmmmmm--
written by twocrows, July 20, 2009

hey again, Matthew--
interestingly, I have no problem at all with people who don't know English. as I've told people who gripe about it, it's hard to learn another language as an adult. their kids WILL learn it, though, and will grow up thoroughly assimilated. just give em time.

I got extremely angry when Congress adopted English as the official language. HEY! we're supposed to be the great melting pot, right? that's where our strength has come from. and now they're just throwing it away. tear down the Statue of Liberty while you're about it.

Great article
written by Nazim, August 28, 2009

What motivated you to write this? Was it something that had been building up or was it just spontaneous?

Not black and white
written by Paul Maurice Martin, August 29, 2009

"Everyone – absolutely everyone – has the capability of lashing out when in pain."

The good and the evil… the enlightened and the unenlightened…

Your observation is a good reminder that seeing people in such dichotomous terms is unrealistic. FYI, tried to register to suggest my site and blog but got a “link not found” message…

Motivation
written by Matthew, August 29, 2009

Nazim, I suppose things like that build up. I notice my own tendencies and dynamics in this culture and my immediate community. When I write something like that, a lot of it is simply for myself: it's what I'm learning. I too have blaming tendencies. I've learned that trying to bury or suppress them doesn't help, but neither does being ruled by them. I've also learned that they're not even 'bad'. As Paul set, that dichotomous term is unrealistic. In some ways, seeing even Hitler as bad is unrealistic - especially because it prevents us from looking at and loving any similar energies in ourselves that every human being has.

Paul, that add link was set to registered users only. Seemed to work for me. However, I've just changed the setting so that anyone can add. Hopefully that doesn't lead to a lot of spam links. Try again please!

Disperse the emotional fog
written by Liara Covert, August 29, 2009

This article reinforces knowledge accessible in the higher self. Emotions create fog. Tapping into unconditional love teaches you how to disperse it. Everyone has abilities they temporarily forget while in a human body. Part of the reason for being here now is to learn how to reconnect with what matters and remind the conscious self it has never left the Source, heaven or what is. In gratitude for what you share, all you are and for all the love you give.

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