in Social Lounge by | Having issues *about* issues. |
| Written by Matthew Spears |
| Tuesday, 07 April 2009 09:04 |
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To start with something a little out of character for this site, here's the lyrics of The Offspring, from "She's got Issues".
Issues as a Badge of Shame
Over the last 40 years, pop psychology has increased so that the term has reached archetypal levels. There are of course different sides to the term, but in this blog I'll be focusing on the dark underside of it: that someone having "issues" means they are mentally diseased, will have failures in relationship, and should have enough sessions with a shrink until it's "dealt with" and other people don't have to suffer. In short, having issues means you're blacklisted. It's a modern Mark of Cain. It's something to be ashamed of. Original PurposeThe awareness of issues was really brought on to help, not to hurt. You must have some awareness of something before you can consciously change it. There were issues before pop psychology, but people were the way they were and perhaps you just accepted things without an urge to change. There's more awareness that change is possible, so people wanted to know what could change and what was causing the problem. So the concept of issues was really invented out of a care of others. The problem is that shame never helps with change. I repeat: Shame never helps with change. You could go into the most amazing, self-healing course on the planet, but if you're doing it out of shame then you'll be trying to get rid of parts of yourself. Which is, of course, part of a self-destructive course. The only thing - the only thing - which promotes deep, lasting, and positive change is a path of acceptance for yourself, and of realizing the vast possibilities of choice you have available. Shame closes this awareness down; acceptance opens it. Why is "issue" so laced with shame? Because there's frustration. People want to change. People want to be successful. People want to change their personality to have successful characteristics. Since Dale Carnegie there's been no shortage of labelling of these. Most positive thinking blogs regularly present a list of characteristics to have. Think positive! Smile at people! Be sincere! Be assertive and confident! And above all, deal with your issues that stop you from doing that. But if there's no compassion for the protective choices you've made, then you're just going to be frustrated. And have shame. A Different Look at IssuesSo instead of looking at "issues" as a negative thing, what's good is a reframing of sorts. (This is like the channeled concept of the chief feature, a structure built around fear and protection that is like an Achilles Heel) Instead of looking at an issue as being a "problem", look on it as a perception that needs to be questioned. Because that's all it is. It's a perception that can be changed. The past can't be changed in a physical manner, but your perception of it can always be changed. Perception is where the power is. When it's seen as nothing more than a perception that you have the power to alter,you have reached into possibilities that bring true empowerment. Issues aren't this big, unforgivable black morass of swamp. It's simply a disconnection from you. From your full perception. It's nothing to feel guilty about. And certainly nothing that requires you to retreat into the well-funded arms of a psychologist's chair. From the Polaris quote page,
This could be a lot more, so please leave comments if you have any thoughts.
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Comments (5)
  written by Matthew, April 07, 2009
I like Gestalt- haven't heard of the Hartford Family Institute though, thanks.
Clowning is a huge influence on me. It's basically taking something real and then making it huge, thereby bringing fun into it in a way that promotes acceptance. Bringing humor to another via something real is great for sages. That's why the main sitcom I like now is 30 Rock. It makes fun of everything, including itself. Without that much humiliation!  written by twocrows, April 09, 2009
hi, Matthew--
Hartford came about about 20 years ago or so. A man [gestaltist] and a woman [dynamicist] got married. They soon realized the 2 therapies were compatible and developed HFI. What I believe its greatest legacy has been is helping people accept who they are-- warts and all. HFI teaches that issues are great learning devices -- and something to develop supports for rather than feel shame about.  written by Tom Maurer, April 09, 2009
In the last few years I've stopped burying my issues and have allowed myself to reflect on them. And I'm not ashamed to talk about it.
But people get awkward when you talk about issues. I think its not so much a shame thing in having issues but more in admitting to it and talking about it. The person who thinks I'm a weirdo for being too honest has issues themselves. But they think they are making a noble sacrifice by burying them so they don't burden anyone. written by Matthew, April 09, 2009
To be honest, I don't think it's any more noble to "deal" with issues than it is to bury it. To think that means that you put this huge energy on what the issue is, often reinforcing it. I place more of an issue on being all of my Self. Including what brings up pain when I look at it - but not focusing on it. Just allowing.
When true beauty is seen in what is thought of as the "issue", then there's just laughter and movement. And amazingly, things change. Write comment
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If you are interested in personal growth, you likely have "issues". Hell, if you're in a body and breathing, you have issues.
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believe it or not, there are therapies who say exactly what you're saying here.
Gestalt and Hartford Family Institute [a spin-off of Gestalt] both espouse 'self-support' -- accepting ourselves exactly as we are in order to 'get better'. and, it works. I'm living proof of that. =)
as to those sitcoms -- I like some of em. but those that use humiliation of 'the other' to get laughs just prompt me to change the channel.